Annisworkingonit's Journal

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21 July 2024

Good morning FS Friends

And so the journey continues. Bumped into a song I'd never heard before this morning. My goodness...I cried and cried. "Never Not Remember You" sung by Alan Cooper. I'm not an organised religion person, rather more a spiritual one that believes in a higher power and in living by the tenets that most world religions have in common. Nor am I country music fan, but this song resonated in a big way. As is typical, the Universe provided what I needed when I needed it.

That led me to go to my other box of memories. I have cards and mementos from my partner Paul who passed in 1997. Going through that box reminded me that yes, this raw pain has happened before, this horrible sense of loss and aloneness has happened before. It also reminded me that I was able to come out the other side to live another chapter of my life. (the song that resonated with me after Paul's passing was "End of the World by Skeeter Davis)

Music has always been part of how I process. In 2017 I met another gentleman, we became close, he passed in 2019. Although the relationship never progressed to as deep a level as with Paul and John, his passing led me to another song "Angel Standing By" sung by the hauntingly beautiful voice of Jewel.

There is no doubt that the John chapter was not linear. From friend, to fiance, to friend to closest companion and confidant. Round and round. I loved him fiercely, yet hated his alcohol use disorder and the problems it brought. In retrospect, he was a man who had suffered much abuse and hardship in his life and alcohol was his coping mechanism for it. Not substantially different from my use of food to numb emotion or as a reward.

And so it goes on. Learning more each day.

Over and out

(3 comments)

18 July 2024

Good morning FS friends

So ate my feelings yesterday. Hating this emotional rollercoaster of grief. Totally screws with your head. Not sure why I thought food would increase my energy levels. It didn't. Because of the carb loading it made me sleepy. Thought I wouldn't log the day, but did so this morning. Turns out it actually wasn't as bad as I had thought. 700 calories over the 1200 cal budget.

Good thing today is another day. Back to the program. Am so close to goal that it is one thing in my life I can control. A cooler day as well so a good day to go out and tackle the ginormous weeds. Theres a 7 ft thisle growing in the back part of the property which will take a shovel to dig out.

My struggle at the moment is with lack of attention span and brain fog. I'll start on one task, not complete it, then start another. Have decided that today I'll focus on digging out the tall tap rooted weeds and nothing else. Just that. Figure on the smaller and mid sized stuff on another day. The good news, with all the rain we've been having the ground is soft.

And so I muddle on. Another day passes.

Over and out.

(5 comments)

15 July 2024

Good morning FS friends

Surprised that I lost a smidge this week given that I have food in the system again. Figured that after a couple of weeks of low mostly liquid caloric intake that the "refeed" would cause a gain but apparently it didn't. So continuing down the path to get to goal eating normal foods. 13 lbs to go 111 gone.

In moving towards adapting to the new normal, I'll be going back to the gym after physio tomorrow on the same previous routine...every 2nd day. Generally during gardening season I don't as there is enough physical effort expended but I think to be out and about in public will serve my body and mind well. The structure of the workout will be good too as routine promotes healing and normalcy.

As to the imitation crustless crab quiche? Had my two servings as budgeted, but it was not pleasant. Too sweet. So I look at the package and sure enough...added sugar. The ingredients list looks an awful lot like ultra processed food. With the move away from sugars and other refined carbs my palate is far more sensitive to added sugars. Don't get me wrong, I love a sweet cherry but sweet fish? Not so much. The fox or trash pandas had a feast last night and will again for the next 4 nights. Nobody wants the imitation crab.

And so it goes. Another day passes

Over and out.

Weight:	Lost so far:	Still to go:	Diet followed:
69.3 kg	50.4 kg	5.8 kg	Reasonably Well

(3 comments) Losing 0.2 kg a Week

14 July 2024

Good morning FS friends

A beautiful morning here by the Mighty Niagara River. Forecast says it'll be a hot humid one, so will head out, do some weeding while the temps are relatively tolerable. Will save the riding lawnmower lawn mow for later in the afternoon. Push mow tomorrow AM.

Have found a recipe that I'll try for dinner for a crustless imitation crab quiche. Hopefully it'll be OK as I needed to substitute some ingredients (kefir instead of mayo for instance). If I don't like it, then off to Ms. Fox it goes.

Went to a concert last night at Safari Niagara in their open air amphitheater Originally I had bought the tickets for John and me months ago. Went with my friend instead. Music was good (live generally is), people watching was fun. Didn't stay to the end though as I was tired. Been trying to not use the sleep aids and although the sleep quality isn't quite there yet, it is getting a bit better.

Oddly, the current state of grief is one of resignation. Hard to believe that a month has passed since the day. Back to the old "give me the grace to accept the things I cannot change". John is gone, never to return. I must learn to step into my new life with grace. Our time together was far from sunshine and roses, but as with everything in life there was good. I loved the man despite it all. In reading my past postings on FS, the ambivalence of our relationship reads loud and clear. Prior to his illness in November, I did have a good degree of independence and very much lived my life as a mostly single person with him as a regular visitor. Since the illness though, and the shared purpose of getting him well, the intensity increased, the walls came down and I let myself become fully vested again. Oh well. I take comfort in the fact that he died here and not alone at his home. That he died in this beautiful place. That he died knowing he was very much loved.

And so another day passes

Over and out

(5 comments)

12 July 2024

Good afternoon FS Friends

So am back to incorporating some of my old routines into my days. Every 5 days or so I chop a big container of base ingredients for a salad. When John was here it was always a challenge to find fridge space. No such issue now.

Back on track with the daily at home physio as I want to walk normally again.

Back to "raising self awareness". Am participating in an "All About Transitions" on line retreat. 3 hours/3 speakers a day but the content is both enlightening and causes some sorrow. My take away so far is twofold: 1) don't fear change, initiate it - it is through the perceived pain of change that we grow into who we are meant to be, and the purpose we're meant to serve. To a degree I have done that with the commitment to my physical health - need to work on the emotional part of my journey though 2) another speaker was talking about yin and yang/male and female energies and how these impact our lives. In my case I was born female and carry many of the feminine traits, caregiving being one of them. Have come to realise though that I tend to typically act more as a male energy given my past career, self reliance, independence. It is exactly that that has led to less than fortuitous relationships where my actual core need is to be nurtured and protected, yet I push that away. In pushing away that part of my relationship with John I did both of us a disservice. He needed to be needed, I didn't want to be needy. Catch 22. Someday perhaps I will find equilibrium where with the right person, right energy I can be a bit of both.

So I saw an intake grief therapist yesterday. I'm not eligible for any of the group work until at least 3 months post loss has passed, however in the meanwhile there will be some online sessions regarding coping strategies, meditation and midfulness that I can particpate in. He also identified that I was showing signs of PTSD and led me to a resource that might help me get rid of the recurring flashbacks/anxiety of the events that surrounded John's passing. Best I do this soon before it becomes entrenched.

So that's it. Another day passes.

Over and out

(2 comments)

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