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Good afternoon FS friends
So I've gone off the rails again. I guess with the new big gaping hole in my life I'm reverting to old behaviours (sort of). Carb numbing and overdosing on food of all kinds. Left home 2 evenings ago on purpose to get something that I thought would make me feel better. Grabbed a quarter cake. Cut the quarter into quarters and had 1 piece. Made me feel sick. Gave the rest to a neighbour a few doors down yesterday. Had a whole box of Kraft dinner yesterday. Same thing. Made me feel sick. Didn't fill the void at all, just added a layer of feeling unwell on top of the void. If there were a positive to any of this, once upon a time, not so long ago, I would have bought the whole darn cake and eaten it in two days or less (in addition to full meals). Didn't serve my body well then and for certain isn't helping at all now.
I'm finding that evenings are the absolute worst time of day. By day I can keep busy, but am really noticing John's absence in the evenings where dinner would be cooked and shared, TV would be viewed, dogs would be loved on, bed would be snuggled in, plans for the next day made. Now evenings drag on and on and on. Even though he wasn't here all the time, there was such a routine to our life together. If I could go to bed at 8PM I would, but by 3 in the morning I'd be up and wondering what to do next.
I know this will all settle down with time and acceptance. It has to. As I expand my social network and add periodic evening activities, things will get better. Going to the gym in the evening might be an option as well.
In a couple of weeks I will be at the 3 month grieving mark. Only then will I be allowed to participate in the in person grief groups, walks and activities. I can see why they do this as the early months have been brutally painful and emotionally raw. My pain could be triggering for other people that are futher along in their grief journeys.
On the upside, my friend got concert tickets for Friday night for some 80s electronica bands. Not entirely my cup of tea, but it gets me out of here.
My wish is to wake up full of beans in the mornings again as has been the case most days prior to the event. Am missing that energy at the moment. Just one drop foot in front of the other these days.
Over and out.
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1323 kcal
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Fat: 44.55g | Prot: 71.25g | Carbs: 157.30g.
Breakfast: GNC Wheybolic Classic Vanilla, Orgain Organic Protein Plant Based Protein Powder Creamy Chocolate Fudge. Lunch: Lactantia 18% Table Cream. Dinner: Bacon (Cured, Pan-Fried, Cooked), Fried Egg. Snacks/Other: Kraft Jet-Puffed Marshmallows. more...
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