Annisworkingonit's Journal

Annisworkingonit's Profile | Weight History

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12 July 2024

Good afternoon FS Friends

So am back to incorporating some of my old routines into my days. Every 5 days or so I chop a big container of base ingredients for a salad. When John was here it was always a challenge to find fridge space. No such issue now.

Back on track with the daily at home physio as I want to walk normally again.

Back to "raising self awareness". Am participating in an "All About Transitions" on line retreat. 3 hours/3 speakers a day but the content is both enlightening and causes some sorrow. My take away so far is twofold: 1) don't fear change, initiate it - it is through the perceived pain of change that we grow into who we are meant to be, and the purpose we're meant to serve. To a degree I have done that with the commitment to my physical health - need to work on the emotional part of my journey though 2) another speaker was talking about yin and yang/male and female energies and how these impact our lives. In my case I was born female and carry many of the feminine traits, caregiving being one of them. Have come to realise though that I tend to typically act more as a male energy given my past career, self reliance, independence. It is exactly that that has led to less than fortuitous relationships where my actual core need is to be nurtured and protected, yet I push that away. In pushing away that part of my relationship with John I did both of us a disservice. He needed to be needed, I didn't want to be needy. Catch 22. Someday perhaps I will find equilibrium where with the right person, right energy I can be a bit of both.

So I saw an intake grief therapist yesterday. I'm not eligible for any of the group work until at least 3 months post loss has passed, however in the meanwhile there will be some online sessions regarding coping strategies, meditation and midfulness that I can particpate in. He also identified that I was showing signs of PTSD and led me to a resource that might help me get rid of the recurring flashbacks/anxiety of the events that surrounded John's passing. Best I do this soon before it becomes entrenched.

So that's it. Another day passes.

Over and out

(2 comments)

10 July 2024

Good evening FS friends

So I did it. My butt length hair is now 26 inches shorter. Given it was falling out with the recent stress, something needed to be done. Left it in the hands of the more than capable hairdresser to do what he thought best. He shortened it, layered it, gooped it, styled it and off I went. Promptly got stuck in monsoon rain on the way to the car so my now gluey head was stuck in drowned rat mode. Got home, rinsed the goop out, and I think I like this haircut. It's fluffy and frames my haggard face quite nicely. John would be pissed as he loved the long hair, but he's not here anymore. My life, my hair. Hopefully it will grow back in properly in the months to come.

Returned some things to Lee Valley (John was going to add a sliding drawer to hold our gamut of spices, but the sliders were still in the package so back they went) When at Lee Valley, I asked whether they held classes on power tools as using the hand saw is time consuming and I have my dad's Skilsaw and a wormdrive table saw that I got for myself a few years back. God love the guy at the store. A retired master carpenter that will give me one on one training on a Saturday at the store. Some people are infinitely kind and he certainly is one of these.

On the food front, my regular appetite is back (hallelujah). Went grocery shopping yesterday as I was running low on fruit and produce. Cherries were on sale. Yummy yummy.

Have I cried today. Oh yes. A simple little haircut was a reminder of what was lost.

And so, another day passes.

Over and out

(8 comments)

09 July 2024

Good morning FS friends

Just wanted to say thank you for your support. It means the world.

This has been an emotional time where I seem to cycle between sorrow and anger. Angry that he died. Angry at how he died and the aftermath. Angry that he died intestate. Angry that because he died intestate I am a person without status despite being the one who knew him best, subsidised him through periods where his income was too low to support his debt, spent the most time with him. Nursed him through his surgeries (many through the years whether by accident or health related). Frustating, aggravating and sad. Even memorial arrangements are out of my hands. Likely why I've been doing the pilgrimage of our places and spreading tiny bits of his ashes on my own. On the up side, I don't need or want for anything as a hardworking, frugal lifestyle has led to a home I love and an early debt free retirement. That my parents left me their assets helped too. None of this came to pass because of him. I need to remember that.

Today, off to physio, then foot doctor.

Tomorrow. A haircut. The sideeffect of the recent stress and defective diet is that my hair is falling out. I offered to shave my head in support of his chemo journey, but he loved my long hair and preferred I not cut it off. We'll see what the hairdresser recommends. As life normalises, stress subsides and food intake is better balanced odds are the hair will start to stay on my head again.

Seems that if it's not one thing, it's another.

And so it goes

Over and out

(2 comments)

08 July 2024

Good morning FS friends

So I ate my feelings yesterday. Total garburator mode. It started with babybel cheese, had 2, then 2 more, then 2 more, then 2 more. Added in some rice crackers. Then had some peanut butter. Added some honey and a tortilla. Ended it all with John's chocolate ice cream (which by the way was too sweet and yucky). Didn't stop me though. Fat. Carbs. Fat. Carbs.

Although the scale weight didn't reflect yesterday's behaviour this morning odds are it will next week.

Eating my feelings didn't work albeit yesterday was a no cry day. Seems like 17 months of changing lifestyle might have forever changed the food as a coping mechanism dilemma I've struggled with my entire life.

Heading out to tackle more weeds, then off to the vet for an annual physical for my 19yo inherited cat Miss Oscar.

Over and out.

Weight:	Lost so far:	Still to go:	Diet followed:
69.5 kg	50.3 kg	6.0 kg	Reasonably Well

(5 comments) Losing 0.5 kg a Week

07 July 2024

Good morning FS friends

Had a revelation yesterday. My friend had yet more free concert tickets, so last night we went to see Dirty Heads, a rock/reggae/rap band from SoCal. Had never heard of them as I'm more of a classic rock kind of girl. What I learned - 1) laughter still is possible. There was a gentleman around our age sitting next to us. When it came time to call for an encore he started making these bullmoose noises. Loud, very bullmoosey and had my friend and I in a fit of laughter 2) music still energises and uplifts - being surrounded by a demographic of people who were mostly 20-30 years younger who were totally into the band, up on their feet singing and dancing was positively energising. 3) it has been far too long since I've been to Jamaica and need to return to Negril for a vacay down the road. Not possible at the moment as I have 4 high needs senior furbabies, but will in the years to come.

The day ended well despite the sorrow I felt throughout the day. On my birthday, John had given me a lovely birthday card that he'd written his feelings into and some inside jokes. This type of thing was a rare occurance thus so very meaningful. Since his passing, Haven't been able to find it anywhere and have been obsessing. Everyday, I'd been looking high and low for it. It's not as if it would change a thing if I did find it, but such is the mental game that happens with loss. Odds are with the chaos of the week following the event, I either accidentally threw it out, or sent it off with the bins and bags of stuff that his sons removed. I have reconciled that the card, like John is likely gone forever and so be it. Won't change a darn thing. Maybe it will appear someday, maybe not, but the obsessing has to stop.

Heading out to weedwhack. Crabgrass growing between my patio stones and needs dealing with.

Over and out

(2 comments)

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