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My husband is home from the hospital but he has lost ground. When he went in he was having trouble getting enough oxygen even though being on oxygen. No doctor ever called from the hospital to tell me what was going on or what they were finding. I spoke to his nurse one day, and she said he did not have any fever (meaning probably no infection). I mentioned before he was disoriented one evening. Even he described it the next day that he thought he was starting to hallucinate. He said they gave him a lot of fluids the first day, which I warned them about twice on his way in. After they put him on a dry diet and limited fluids to help his heart. He went from 1 ½ liter of oxygen to 3. He is weaker than when he went in and is experiencing more confusion. Before he left they gave him an IV of Potassium Cloride (an electrolyte) and he is convinced they were trying to kill him. Others now have confirmed it is a painful IV.
The morning after he came home he said he woke at 4 in the morning and both arms were numb and hard to move. He started shaking his arms to get some feeling back and was scared his whole body would become paralyzed. He told me his head was not funny or confused like when he had the TIA's (tiny strokes) in October and November, and that it did not feel the same as that time.
I don't think I mentioned that a few days before he went into the hospital he suggested to me that I could put a pillow over his face to suffocate him. He said with him needing oxygen so much of the time, that pretty soon I would need to take him to the toilet, and feed him. Of course, I was appalled that he was really believing that and explained that scenario isn't apt to happen shortly with just a need for, but is more likely when one has a stroke. I also explained how much I want and need him.
That same first morning home he told me he wants to call all his family members to say goodbye to them and wants to find a “pill” somewhere, to be able to end his life when he wants to, and that it would be very soon, like in a couple of days. He says he doesn't want to be disabled, and would rather just say “ciao” cheerfully. He explains he does not believe in the Bible, but is not afraid to die, and will just see what it is like, after the fact. He believes he has been a relatively good person and will go to heaven.
I needed $20.00 to pay the gardener for mowing, edging, and blowing, and he told me there was money in a certain drawer under his checkbook. When I went to get it, I was totally shocked and shaken to find there was $1,000.00 with a note to our daughter “For the little girl that fell in the paint bucket”. Also one note to me that he loved me always, and one note that his grand-nephew should get the gold necklace that I was given when his sister died. He had to have gotten this money from the bank and written the notes before he got sick and went to the hospital. He wants me to help him find a “pill”. I told him I would not, and that I love him, and want, and need him.
I called our daughter with great trepidation because of her stage 4 cancer and told her about it. I only started to break down when I said I have a question that I am sure I will ask other times: “Was I wrong to call her?” She said it was right to call, she wants to know what is going on, and she wanted to speak to her husband about coming to visit. The next day I explained he is better and he spoke to her on the phone. She changed her mind about coming when today was better yet, but we are keeping short tabs. They laughed on the phone together today.
We went to his primary UCLA doctor for an after hospital visit, and I told her (the doctor) what he was saying about wanting to say goodbye to everyone and die. He soft peddled the conversation but did tell her yes, he does want to get a pill, so he can take it when he wants. Of course, she said she couldn't help.
He lost 6 lb in one week, down to 146. He can't eat very much, and I am trying to entice him but it doesn't work. I don't know if it is because he can't or doesn't want to. He is probably down 10 lb by now, a couple of days later. His bowels were impacted for 3 days, but not now. Plus he is hardly eating. Today he had coffee, one crepe, and ½ of a small bowl of hot and sour soup. That's all! It was worse yesterday: coffee, 1 egg, hot and sour soup, and 1 yogurt. Maybe he's trying to cause it this way. Today he was up twice for about an hour each time. He didn't even play on his computer. He is weak. I am calm on the outside, sweet and cheerful, but wild inside. We have been married for 59 years, and I love him and I don't even want to live without him.
I'm so sorry to write this. I hope those of you, that this is too much for, have left. If it's inappropriate, I'm just so, so sorry. My heart is breaking. Many, many people have had devastation this last 8 months. How horrible to take your loved one with the Coronavirus to the hospital and not be able to be there with them. How horrible it has been for many people to suffer and die by themselves in the hospital. I know life is hard. I know most married women become widows. I know I am old, and he is old and this is inevitable. I know I have been so fortunate to have him for so long, and I thank the Lord for that continually. I know there are a lot of people worried about feeding their children and moving into their car with them, at some point.
I know I have so much to be grateful for: a roof over my head and food to eat. I know I should be relying on the Lord like my friend Joan said to. She said I shouldn't be worried at all, that it is all in God's hands. Someday maybe I'll explain what I believe is different in her beliefs and mine. When our son was killed by a drunk driver she said it was God's will. I don't necessarily believe that. Yes, I am a Christian, but not a very good one. Yes, I'll go to heaven, but I am full of faults. I can't be as strong as she expects me to be. She said not to show any anxiety or other negative emotion to my husband. I'm starting to unravel. Yes, my husband was better on the 2nd day. Yes, it was even true that he was better the next. But I'm going to call our daughter in the morning and tell her more about his eating and weakness. She needs to reconsider coming. I know if I say come, she will. When they come they sleep on an air mattress in our living room. It's embarrassing to me for her to come. None of you have followed me long enough to remember she said my house is horrendous, worse than she could have ever imagined. And that “I play the victim”. Now that gives you a different view, doesn't it? Our daughter has always been very critical of me, not even liking the way I dress. She sounded softer on the phone now and said not to worry about the house. But she still has her opinions.
It matters not, compared to my husband. I have been with him since I was 16. Now I am 79, with a very bad back. I'm scared and heartbroken. I doubt if I can live without him. I don't want to.
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