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Breakdown and Breakthrough
Yesterday I journaled about stupidly spinning in circles and 'what iffing' my present life and future possibilities. I poured out my thoughts and emotions as I debated the sanity of my ways as defined by Wikipedia.
My emotions stayed close to the surface as I read great heartfelt responses and comments from my wonderful buddies on into the evening when I caught myself trying to rationalize my way out of getting on my treadmill.
Not that I was tired or didn't feel well, mind you. I am usually tired in the evening and I believe the phlegm fairy has taken up permanent residence in my lungs as this bronchial cough and constant sniffles refuses to depart for over two weeks now.
Actually, the reason I didn't want to treadmill was ... uh... well... okay, I'll say it. I was having a good hair day. I don't have many of those anymore and by golly I didn't really want to ruin that one by sweating it away. Okay, sometimes I'm just shallow.
But as you know me by now, my voices kicked in and I was pulling on my sweats, pulling my hair into the little pony tail and climbing on the treadmill.
Yay for me, right? Well, yeah. But not right away.
The voice that got me on that treadmill was the one that said 'I'm afraid if you don't, you'll lose all the good work you've put in toward forming this habit and will have to start over if you do start over and ..'
About that time, I caught myself. AFRAID? FEAR?
And I got ANGRY.
Nothing like being on a treadmill when you're angry. At least, not for me, anyway. I cranked out 20 minutes at 3.5mph and didn't even feel it. I think Marine Drill Sargents are probably kinder to new recruits than I was to that voice in my head.
"FEAR? I'm so sick and tired of you letting fear drive you all the time. You were a workaholic because you were afraid of losing your job. You stayed in a situation most people would have left years ago because you were afraid of being the bad guy. You do everything in life because you are always in a freaking mode of fear and survival!When will you EVER cut yourself a break and make a flipping decision in your day or life based on JOY?!?!"
The more I yelled, the faster I walked. It was literally as if I were trying to walk away from that 'me' that made fear based decisions. As if there were room for any more voices in that conversation one of them asked 'do you suppose THIS is the underlying theme in that recurring dream where you walk all the time because you're lost? Are you trying to find yourself?
I am literally the Queen of Multitaskers here in Bellawood. I can treadmill, listen to music, and do psycho-psychotic therapy all at the same time. When the timer ended, I reached over and smacked the restart. I wasn't finished walking and talking.
Yep... I didn't want to quit walking.
I made a brief note of that as normally I am watching the clock on the countdown and praying to be able to finish. About that time I realized the theme song to Saving Grace by Everlast was playing on my Mp3. This realization occurred at this phrase:
(Am I) gainin' ground
(Am I) losin' face
(Have I) lost and found my saving grace
Thankful for the gift my angels gave me
And I started crying. Walking and crying. I am not sure why and by golly if all this weight loss and exercise makes me start having my periods again I'll scream louder than normal PMS ever prompted. (apology to any men reading this)
This was what occurred to me in a much faster blink of an eye than I'll be able to type and explain so as always, thank you for your patience in reading while I get to the point.
"Bella... eating healthy, being mindful of your nutrition, focusing on it, that is NOT an addiction. It is THE RIGHT THING TO DO. Just like you would have to be comatose to go to bed without a shower, why is giving your meals any less focus considered obsessive. It's the THING you should have been taught to do and learned to do ALL along. Learning it now, finally, is a good thing. Continue to experiment with your foods until you DO have a healthy food database in your mind and know what is good for you and what isn't. The peace will come, just not overnight."
As I warned - it wasn't that lengthy of a mental explanation. It was a warm feeling and I felt myself smiling through the sweat and tears. Because as I reached that point, the song continued:
One time around the sun
Another year older and my work ain't done
It's time for me to write the final chapter (chapter)
And that is so TRUE. My work here on earth isn't done. This is just another chapter. I have no idea how it all ends and all I can do is enjoy each page of my life day by day.
And with that, I threw my arms up in the air and sang along with the end of the song.
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Amen
And then I hit the back button and walked along with the song at least two more times.
One day, one step at a time.
Thank you for reading.
View Diet Calendar, 25 December 2012:
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1613 kcal
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Fat: 60.85g | Prot: 74.61g | Carbs: 193.28g.
Breakfast: Schwans Strawberries, Chobani Non Fat Yogurt, Flax Seed, Quaker Old Fashioned Oatmeal, Schwans Blueberry, Creamer, Coffee. Lunch: Fat Free Raspberry Vinaigrette, Hormel Canadian Bacon, Spinach, Cocktail Onions, Fresh Express 3-Color Deli Coleslaw, Tomato, Mushrooms, Cucumber. Dinner: Kraft Low Fat Swiss, Egg, Wheat Bread, Tomato, Hormel Canadian Bacon. Snacks/Other: Reeses Miniatures, Schwans Mixed Berries, Apple Granny Smith, Swiss Miss Diet, Fritos Corn Chip, Sausage Cheese Dip. more...
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