FullaBella's Journal, 24 Dec 12

Yesterday I amused myself on the treadmill by mentally arguing semantics. It began with my jokingly asking 'when exactly is this exercise addiction going to kick in as promised by my FS friends...?' and led into an intellectual session of self exploration.

Long story short, I am going to have to get something to occupy my mind on the treadmill if I'm ever going to exceed the preset 20 minute sessions I'm doing. Heaven only knows what I'd do with a whole hour to fill. I may be moving my body and pumping my arms but even the ear splitting music on the MP3 can't drown out the commentary in my head when I have way too much time on my hands.

I've shared in my journals my experiences with giving up drinking and smoking and continue to day by day share my experience with understanding my unhealthy food choices and eating disorder and learning 'a saner approach', but 'addiction / addictive behavior?"

What was it about that word 'addiction' that was not settling with me? What was that bell ringing that was nagging me subconsciously? Why was I feverously shaking my head left and right during that silent conversation?

Was I protesting or just rocking out to INXS?

Later, once I had the internet available, I decided to start at the root.

The word.

So I googled 'addiction':

Addiction is the continued use of a mood altering substance or behavior despite adverse dependency consequences,or a neurological impairment leading to such behaviors. Addictions can include, but are not limited to, alcohol abuse, drug abuse, exercise abuse, pornography and gambling. Classic hallmarks of addiction include: impaired control over substances/behavior, preoccupation with substance/behavior, continued use despite consequences, and denial. Habits and patterns associated with addiction are typically characterized by immediate gratification (short-term reward), coupled with delayed deleterious effects (long-term costs).

I find it very, very interesting that 'food' wasn't included in this list. Apparently that comes under the 'may include but is not limited to' umbrella.

"Hello, my name is Bella, and I have a food addiction. I've used food for immediate gratification that led to deleterious effects. Even moresoe I must share that I am recognizing, just as I suspected when I started this, I still have a LOT of work to do regarding the 'preoccupation behavior' because in the past whenever I STOPPED being preoccupied with food was when I started gaining the weight back. God, grant me the sanity...."

It wasn't the preoccupation that led me to the weight gain - it was the LACK of it.

That was a scary realization. Translation: each time I thought I was 'cured' ~ my body showed me differently.

What will happen to me if I don't research, measure and log my food intake? I still experience apprehension when dining out in a restaurant without a calorie database or ability to measure or even prepare the food to know there weren't hidden risks.

Is this always going to be a preoccupation ala addiction?

Does ANYONE live addiction free?

So yesterday as I thought about the 'preoccupation' I made my Sunday soup but I didn't measure each ingredient obsessively as I added it to the pot. I knew I was making, more or less, the same pot 'o soup I've made for several times(( it's my current survival method for getting through an unstructured day without exceeding my RDI from day long grazing )) but I did not record every ounce, calorie, fat gram, etc., and then enter it into the database. I just pulled a previous 'personal food' and used an estimated measurement.

Point? I don't know, really. No, wait, I remember.

While I pretended I was 'flying by the seat of my pants' with the soup, I still knew deep down inside I was being very mindful of the preparation. It didn't matter if it was 2 or 2 1/2 cups of coleslaw into the soup or if it was 1/2 or 3/4 cup of mushrooms - it was all vegetables I knew with negligible caloric effects. I was just whistling in the dark.

The question I had to ask myself was: will I EVER feel comfortable enough to eat solely INTUITIVELY?

When have reached my 'weight loss goal', will I have finally learned enough foods and stored enough data in my own deteriorating mind to know that my food choices each and every time are in line with the calories burned and I won't regain the weight?

OR WILL the only way I maintain is to log, measure, weigh and count?

Am I trying to achieve the unachievable?

When will I EVER be sane about eating?

Or is THIS the sanity I'm achieving? Knowing enough FOODS that are GOOD for me, knowing those that are NOT, and choosing? Knowing that if I'm in a restaurant serving food I do not recognize I will not starve from eating even smaller portions to be conservative on my intake until such time I return to my Bella-dom where the foods hold no mystery?

Is this Xanadu? Am I there? If not, how will I recognize it when I arrive?

Giving up drinking and smoking cold turkey without a sponsor or a patch were a challenge but not like food. I CAN go the rest of my life and not need to drink or smoke - it isn't a necessary part of my day. I can even be around people drinking and smoking without feeling deprived; only a little aggravated because the smell of cigarette smoke aggravates my sinuses now and, well, heck, drunk people are a little tough on the nerves if they aren't tipping heavily (I bartended several years after I got sober. )

But food addiction VS Healthy eating preoccupation? Will I ever be able to find a balance between the two choices short of having a 'feeding tube' installed that delivers premeasured calorically acceptable nutrition to my body. What will I do if I have to go long periods of time without having access to preparing my own food?? What will I do if ever I do travel abroad?

Does anyone EVER have it ALL?

So, of course, worrying about 'exercising' becoming an addiction is the least of my worries. I'm busy with this preoccupation and I'm just glad God continues to give me the motivation to eat healthy and physical ability to climb on that treadmill twice a day. And until I do wake one day with a magical sense of peace, I will remain preoccupied with trying to eat healthy every day, one bite at a time.

Thank you for reading.

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1173 kcal

Fat: 27.56g | Prot: 65.47g | Carbs: 175.29g.   Breakfast: Banana, Muesli, Coffee, Creamer, Plain non fat yogurt. Lunch: Banana, Peanut Butter, Cocktail Onions, Hillshire Deli Ham, Cucumber, Mushrooms, Tomato, Fat Free Balsamic Vinaigrette Dressing, Fresh Express 3-Color Deli Coleslaw, Spinach, String Cheese Weight Watcher, Crisp. Dinner: Wheat Bread, Spicy Mustard, Hormel Canadian Bacon, Chicken California Blend Soup. Snacks/Other: Apple, Swiss Miss Diet. more...

2263 kcal

Exercise: Sleeping - 24 hours. more...